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Sarva Dharma Vada Pav

August 10, 2020 Authored by: Raghu Bhaskaran

Non-Disclaimer: Any resemblance to ‘Sarva Dharma Sama Bhav’ slogan of our leaders past and present, is purely intentional and intended to give indigestion to as many as possible.

Disclaimer: The term ‘Sarva Dharma Vada Pav’ has been used by many social media commentators and I do not know who coined it first.

In 2015, during the World Food Fair, there was a small controversy, when the media reported that ‘Khichdi’ has been declared as the National Dish of India. But then the Union Minister clarified that was not the case and Khichdi has been selected only in the context of the World Food Fair, as the Brand India Food.*

However confidential documents accessed by this columnist from an unnamed source (As with most liberal reporting, yes it is an Ola-uh-Uber driver), reveal that there was a very serious discussion around declaring a ‘National Dish of India’.

Khichdi proponents used the numbers argument as with Hindi, the opponents countered then with the crow argument, that if going by numbers, crow should be the national bird then. 

But eventually everyone agreed that the food item that truly represents India, in numbers and also in spirit, was not Kichdi, Dosa, Dhaal-Roti etc. No not even Biryani, the much acclaimed dish of Hindu-Muslim Brotherhood.

But another dish, which is the signature and the only dish of the world renowned cuisine, ‘Ganga Jamuna Tezaab…,oops, I mean Tehzeeb, that has been present under different names and forms in crucial points of India’s history, and today it is known to us as,

‘Sarva Dharma Vada Pav’

The name of the dish is attributed to Gandhi (PBUH), but the spirit of the dish in different forms and names, has been part of the Indian history, since the time Mohammed Bin Qasim, packed it for his picnic on the banks of the Sindhu.

Its presence has been noted in crucial junctures of Indian history, which have been suppressed by our Eminent Marxist historians, the secret annals reveal.

  • What snack did Afzal Khan plan to offer Shivaji, when they met for their peace talks, but was rudely refused by Shivaji? 

Answer: It was the “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav”, even if not by the same name or shape, it was there in spirit.

  • What did Chanda Sahib munch upon, when he swore on a Quran, that he will honour Rani Meenakshi’s terms, if let into Tiruchirapalli fort and then proceeded to massacre the population, claiming that it was not but a brick he swore the oath?

Answer: It was the Sarva Dharma Vada Pav, of course.

(Ref: ** A Gazetteer of Southern India. Page 372)

The critical role of the dish is not limited to history, but even figures in contemporary events as well. Neither is this Signature dish of Secularism, limited to the interactions with Religion of Peace, 

  • What snack did Mother Teresa, who ran PeTA for Pagan kids (culling, selling), serve many an orphaned child, Govind, that he ate and magically became Gabriel?

“Sarva Dh….”, Well there it is called the “Holy Blessed Wafer Pav”.

This touch from Religion of Love is encouraged by the Secular Governments of India, when they sneakily employ Christians in the various government departments that control Hindu Temples ALONE.

  • Crypto Christians hiding their faith, employed Tirupathi Tirumala Devasthan (TTD) to serve a false God, who they consider as a demon, Then, what infuses the prasada given at the temple, the famous ‘Tirupathi Ladoo’ ? 

Venkateswara’s grace? Wrong answer, like the Crypto Christians working at temple, pretending to be Hindus, it is the “Crypto Dharma Vada Pav” that is pretending to be the “Tirupathi Ladoo”

Ingredients and Recipe: 

The columnist has tried to find the ingredients that go into the preparation of this iconic dish. But it is not easy to get the recipe. All that is known, is that it has been encoded into the very Constitution of India.

Articles 26 to 30, have to be interpreted in a very nuanced manner, to cook the ‘Sarva Dharma Vada Pav’.

But still it was lacking something, so our Iron Lady Indira added an important garnishment, in the Preamble via the 42nd Amendment, one word ‘Secular’.

This basic recipe is then interpreted by successive governments when they cook and serve the snack, to ensure that the aroma of the “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav” is infused in all their laws and policies like the 93rd Amendment, RTE etc.

Sometimes critics have complained these interpretations leave a bad taste in the mouth.

But the government considering such complaints, created an official Culinary institute called NCMEI to ensure the recipe of “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav” is properly standardized and taught. Professional organizations like AIMPLB, CSI etc provide expert advice.

Table Service:

One of the complaints is often, that the minorities pretty much are the creators of the dish, they are not served the dish and instead it is served exclusively to the Hindus.

That is very much true and the reason was revealed by an Islamic tele-evangelist, who is recently the unofficial Indian Ambassador to Malaysia. The transcript of the discussion is as follows,

  • Why is “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav” reserved only for Kaffirs?

Dr. ZN:  Biradhar asks a good question, but like how beef is prohibited for the Kaffirs, Surah 121 ayat 32, Al-Bukhee prohibits this food for the faithful , it is called the ‘Sabse Haraam Vada Pav’.

“Do not partake of the Sabse Haram Vada Pav, for Almighty will be unhappy with a one who eats that impure food and cause him to be impotent, when he meets the houris in Jannat”

The considerate state does not want to offend the religious sentiments of the minorities, but still tries its best in other ways to compensate them.

For example,

TN government announced a donation of about 550 metric tonnes of rice to all the mosques, to distribute Conjee during the month of Ramzan. Now by itself, this does not achieve the “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav”.

So to ensure that, TN HR&CE department immediately forced the Hindu temples in TN, to donate 10 crores to CM’s relief fund.

That is interesting, because generally Hindu temples lack funds even to pay the Archakas or conduct their rituals. And even if it was a Daana, it is a natural function of temples to do their own Anna Daana etc.

But this brings us to 2 important attributes of serving the “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav”.

  1. That it must involve some sacrifice forced on or damage to the Hindus.
  2. That it must be completely secularized to be served and cannot be done as Hindu.

More than Sambar for Dosa, Dhaal for Roti or Khadi, the critical part of the “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav ” actually is in its accompaniment. Call it the “Secret Sauce of Secularism”, 

“Sarva Dharma Vada Pav, is always to be served with a side of Hindu blood chutney”

Now don’t politicize it, by thinking that these things happen only in non-BJP ruled states like Andhra, Tamil Nadu etc.

The three fundamental steps to the cooking of Sarva Dharma Vada, is followed by all parties

  • Disproportionately taxing or restricting Hindus, their temples in some way or other. 
  • Converting what is extracted from Hindus,  into common secular funds 
  • And then using to to benefit only the minorities, 

​So a fiscal definition of Secularism is, 

Secularism:

Where ‘Administration’ happens with temple funds;

And ‘Conversion’ happens with administrative funds.

Historian FrAudery TrashKe tells that during the enlightened period for Alamgir Aurangzeb, this practice went under the name of “Jizya”.

All parties and governments are occupying and try to occupy Hindu temple lands, while expanding allocation to Muslim only schemes. In this they are only following a hoary historical tradition from the days of Allauddin Khilji to Antonia Manio.

Muslims get Koran in one hand, Computer in another; Hindus get “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav” in their mouth. 

Thus the Secular government maintains a principled distance with all religions.

Where can we get the dish:

But let’s leave the complicated cooking, service aside and come back to the enjoyment of this exclusive dish of the Hindus. That is not a straightforward thing either. 

The exclusive dish is not advertised or openly on the menu of any ordinary restaurants or eateries. Only eateries specially certified offer this dish, that too under a special code. 

One way to identify such an eatery, a sure sign that the place is “Sudh Hindu”, is not the Bhagwa-Saffron flag, which is objected to, by the police of the Secular state, but to look for this picture.

This picture is like the Sarva Dharma Vada Pav, is for the exclusive use by the Hindus, who foolishly compare Jesus or Kaaba, to their false elephant god. You will never find such an offensive picture in any eatery or shop, run by our Muslim or Christian brothers.

Fruit sellers and merchants in Jharkhand or elsewhere, should consider using this picture, instead of the Bhagwa. Nothing signifies ‘Hinduness’ as this picture does.

Still the staff will not automatically serve you the S D V P, it will not be on any menu cards or boards and nor is it polite to ask for it openly, you will be ignored.

The waiter/server will approach you with a cryptic question,

For example,

“Actress Jothika wants people to spend on hospitals, but unnecessarily compares it with spending money on the upkeep of temples, what do you think?”

Your response should be, “What about Mosques and Churches?”

Then only you would get a plate of “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav”, to stuff your mouth. Otherwise you will get only Biryani or other ordinary dishes. Tough luck.

Your answer must always have a ‘What about’ compared with something Islamic or Christian.

That is why this kind of eatery is often called ‘Whatabou-eatery’.

But even after identifying the eatery and answering with a whataboutery, the final test is that, “Sarva Dharma Vada Pav” will show itself only if you are ready to be 100% Secular.

Like how Tenali Rama could show god, to only those who have never lied. No, strike that analogy, that is too Hindu. Let us plagiarize it and make it of Birbal and Akbar, or the Emperor’s new clothes of Hans Christian Andersen.

“Sarva Dharma Vada Pav” will appear and be edible, only to secular souls. Those who have any sense of pride in their Hindu heritage or can feel the injustice of Secularism, will have trouble seeing, eating and digesting this delicacy.

So in case, you are disappointed and feel cheated, check your Secular Credentials. 

But anyway, the saga of ‘Sarva Dharma Vada Pav’ is quite long and worth an epic. No single article can do it justice. And it extends far into the future.

Keep Calm and Say ‘Jai Secular Ram’.


I almost forgot, so the committee for ‘National Dish’, did recognize that the ‘Sarva Dharma Vada Pav’ is the signature sarkari dish fed to millions in India, its history and influence on other iconic food items, undeniable. But finally they still decided not to declare it as the ‘National Dish’, the reason was, the snack is exclusively fed to the Hindus of India, minorities are allergic to it. So it would not be secularism, if ‘Sarva Dharma Vada Pav’ and Hindu only dish, is declared the National Dish.

Quite paradoxical. 

References:

https://www.news18.com/news/india/harsimrat-kaur-badal-clarifies-khichdi-not-national-dish-to-be-promoted-as-brand-india-food-1564397.html

https://www.freepressjournal.in/india/retired-major-and-rw-twitter-user-skin-doctor-booked-for-satire-on-oranges-by-cyberabad-police

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